Wall Art, or, Plants That Can’t Kill You

Screen Shot 2014-04-26 at 6.31.52 PMSo I actually missed this pile of binary while I was gone. Which I was. For two. Miserable. Horrible. Cretinous. Weeks. Ugh. What shit did I pull in a former life to deserve this?

As some of you will remember, I (stupidly) bought a Zinfaduu plant about a month ago. There were two key things that escaped my mind at the time:

1) It is really bizarre (lazy, and hypocritical) that the ISUDTC regulates organic material in home products, like pillows, but will let you buy plants from the deepest, darkest, most spore-ridden corners of the universe.

2) Zinfaduu bloom once every 30 SS1P3 years. Normally not a problem, except that the bloom cycle ends THIS year.

To be totally honest (which I’m usually not, so savor it), I was kind of excited when the buds started forming. I figured I’d have as much luck as I’ve had with everything else lately, so when it started blooming I was feeling like hot shit. I guess the shit part was more accurate.

You see, the cleaning staff on the SS Icarus (oh, yeah, they named the fucking ship for a guy who DIED trying to use technology – they only got away with it because no one studies pre-galactic Earth culture anymore) use a line of products that contain a chemical that just happens turn Zinfaduu pollen toxic to carbon-based life form.

Pollen. Like a spore. Like a thing that can get into the god damn ventilation system and give a rash, lung inflammation, and stomach irritation to 10,000 people. TEN. THOUSAND. We’re talking epidemic here. I could have DIED because I wanted my pod to stop smelling like my disgusting neighbor’s shitty food and horrible body order. Three days in ICU. Three!

And you know what? Health Services and Ship Security tried to go after ME for this debacle. Uh, no. I almost DIED. There are so many committees whose jobs it is to research this and keep ME, the citizen, safe.

So I spent the better part of my last week writing angry letters, official complaints, and scathing reviews to the troupe that sold me the plant, the Board of Intergalactic Trade, SS Icarus security, fleet security, inter-galactic security, the Board of Inter-Planetary Botanical Zoning, AND the ISUDTC.

Seriously. If I can have a plant that gave ten thousand people a rash, I should have been able to keep my Beem pillow.

I’ve received three apologies so far, and the board that approved the merchants is considering paying me off. I could use some new shoes to help me get over this rash and the emotional trauma of having a whole ship blame me for their misery. The security bastards even posted my picture on the ship comm! Those bottom feeders… I still get knocks on my door. I’m filing to transfer rooms.

Anyway. The merchant troupe DID give me a refund and then some. I’m considering getting some wall art for my new pod. Then again, I may never want to look at a plant again. Good thing I still have 3Y11M SS1P3 to spend on this festering Petri dish of a ship, you know, with nothing but synthetic crap and brainless human shells of people.

At least cacti warn you where their nasty parts are, and look nice doing it. That’s a lot more than I can say about people.

4 26 Plants that won't kill you 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5


Never miss a drab spaceship life updates or completely justified misanthropy. Follow me on tumblr at captainstarlust.tumblr.com


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