Sleep Legally (but not well): ISUDTC Approved Pillows

3 27 14 Sleep Legalls

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6

I have not been able to get a full night of sleep since I moved onto this hunk of cheap metal and body odor (I can’t believe it’s been almost a WEEK. I haven’t been this under-stimulated since taking plant mating rituals in college. Spoiler: plants don’t have sex). It occurred to me that part of the problem may be my prison-grade pillow.

I had this AMAZING pillow when I was teaching Common (or English for you traditionalists) on Beem this past summer. I couldn’t do work in bed because it was so soft and supportive and smelled like beeswax. But, of course, the fibers were organic which means ISUDTC (Inter-Stellar Union Committee of Trade and Commerce) thinks they’re the spawn of hell, and I had to leave the pillow behind.

I did some research on ISUDTC approved pillows. The pickings are slim, and expensive. The best (read: fucking worst) combination. It’s like the mandatory freshman year bedding packages all over again. I couldn’t keep my unending joy to myself.

Highlights:

1. A smart pillow made to keep your body heat at exactly 98.6 (can be adjusted up or down .5 degrees). Built in alarm that will wake you up with gentle vibrations at the optimal waking point of your sleep schedule. Which it monitors and reports to a mere 6,543 research organizations, galacticly. You cannot opt out.

2. This pillow contains a synthetic version of a toxin from arachnids in the Neb-7 system, which is meant to paralyze and calm the prey until the arachnid can come eat it. Uhm, no thank you.

3. Down pillows. Like goose down. Like those creatures that have been extinct for hundreds of years. They grow the feathers on Tam-Tam birds and harvest them for normal down pillows. But ISUDTC strikes again. The Tam-Tam Goose feathers are then synthetically reproduced using a bio-printer, so no DNA or organic material can contaminate the ship.

Bottom line: they smell funny and make my eyes itch.

4. The Aromasleeper. First of all, terrible name. Second of all, why do I need 999 smells (and 100 bonus sounds) to put me to sleep? How did you pick that many? How many YEARS would it take me to find a combination I actually liked? This is not conducive to helping me sleep. I’m going to be up for hours trying to figure out how to get my money’s worth out of the damn thing, which is not cheap.

5. When you’re sleeping, this pillow wraps around your head to keep you from moving. It’s supposed to release when you wake up, but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF IT MALFUNCTIONS?

6. Prison Pillow 2.0 and probably what I’ll buy. Synthetic stuffing. Stain and sweat resistant. Smells vaguely like sulfur (ugh). But it’s the cheapest (though not worth the money) and has 3x the filling my current slab of reject textiles has.

While all of these are upgrades from Prison Pancake, I miss my old pillow more than ever. Four is the only comparable option, but the price tag is ridiculous. I’d rather spend that money on an excursion next time we dock for fuel. You know, in a few S1P3 MONTHS.

I cannot believe this is my life now. Shopping for (crummy) pillows.

Oh, I bought a plant by the way. I went with #2, after my neighbor had terrible gas for 12 hours that seeped in through my air purifier vent (!). The plant was a good choice. If I close my eyes and am tipsy enough, I can pretend I’m in a real place, with weather and animals and adventures. And when I wake up and remember I’m bored and alone and miserable, at least there’s some color in my space pod.

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Never miss a drab spaceship life updates or completely justified misanthropy. Follow me on tumblr at captainstarlust.tumblr.com

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